Seaside resorts

A few years ago a book was published called “Crap Towns: The 50 worst places to live in the UK”. Needles to say there was an outcry, but this being Britain, it was mostly from people who were deeply offended that their local town hadn’t been included. How can [Insert name of a Crap Town] be a worse place to live than [insert own home town] was said on a number of occasions.

Obviously this had to be rectified and a year later a second book “Crap Towns II” came out.

Third in the original list was Morecambe. I’ve only spent 25 very wet minutes there in 2006, but from that experience it does go quite high up my list.

Up until today, though, topping my own list was Colwyn Bay.

However it’s come under a strong challenge today, and I’m thinking of starting my own list highlighting my personal “Crap Seaside resorts”

On the whole it’s been a close run thing, but I think from today’s experiences Colwyn’s hard won first place has been lost to the unremitting bleakness of New Brighton. At least Colwyn was on the sea rather than at the mouth of river estuary.

As for Morecambe, it’s been knocked into a distance fourth place by my other place of interest today, Southport.

Supposedly, it’s the quintessential English seaside town. If it is, it kind of explains why so many Brits go to Spain, Greece and Turkey for their seaside breaks.

Yes, it’s appropriate, but is it necessary

I hope they don’t do it when it’s a commuter service. I can only imagine what it does to the mind if you have to hear it every day, then again perhaps it just disappears into the background.

It certainly is prominent during the day when it’s being a tourist service.

What am I talking about?

It’s playing “Ferry across the Mersey” on a Ferry crossing the Mersey.

Alternatively, could this be the start of a whole range of transport operations adding “Theme tunes” to their services.

Perhaps a continuous stream of Gerry Rafferty at Baker Street,

Maybe a constant invitation to do the walk at Lambeth North

Or worst still a very, very long and slow sea crossing to China.

Town Centre Mathematics

There is a different form of mathematics at work in the UKs town and city centres. It’s a mathematics which re-writes the concept of fractions.

And it’s all down to the humble ¼ (or more importantly Quarter)

I was in Bristol for work a couple of days ago and in walking around found at least five quarters. Having looked around Liverpool for a short while I’ve already spotted six areas referring to themselves, or being referred to as quarters-

• The Cavern Quarter


• The Cathedral Quarter


• The Waterside/Docks Quarter


• The University Quarter


• The Museum Quarter


• The Shopping Quarter

So, according to Liverpool six quarters make a whole. Yet Bristol thinks that five quarters make one.

More alarmingly is my home town of Croydon, which appears to only be able to muster two quarters (an Arts Quarter, which might be better described as an Arts sixteenth due to its size, and a shopping Quarter). So if you believe Croydon Council two Quarters make one.

Perhaps the maths needs to be looked at on a wider scale, maybe, over the whole of the UK if you add up the number of quarters it does add up correctly. But, perhaps for the sake of simplicity could we stick to four Quarters making one.

In which case, could Liverpool give Croydon two Quarters, I think the Cathedral and the Waterside Quarters would be quite nice, don’t know quite where we put the Cathedrals, and it’s a bit difficult to have docks when your only river is a muddy little stream that runs in a sewer, but I’m sure we can find a way around that.